Never in my wildest dreams did I expect the sound of just one singular word to be so pivotal to my sense of well being. It’s been a wild ride, these last six months. A left-field diagnosis that came with a nasty gene mutation I’d never heard of (gene mutation? Who the hell expects THAT to be on their medical radar?) It was so surreal to me, all I could think of was the same three words, over and over again: I have WHAT? (picture a deer staring into the headlights) What? (still a deer staring into the headlights) I have WHAT? (you’ve got the visual now, right?)
Because time was of the essence, I was immediately catapulted to a journey that took me from what I thought was a ‘more than acceptable’ and maybe even an ‘above average’ life of really great (albeit aging) health and plunked me down hard forcing me to face a future that statistically says my life is going to be substantially abbreviated… thanks to this mutant ninja gene mutation that moves at a very stealthy clip. In short: prognosis statistically is grim, and I know this because the internet tells me so. The oncologist didn’t say it that way. She said This is a disease that is best managed in the here and now. Cleverly crafted phrasing that drove the message home.
BUT, statistics were garnered from studies of patients that didn’t include me, and from studies that weren’t from the here and now, but from the then, a.k.a. yesterday. Diagnosed in the here and now, medical technology has advanced since yesterday, and miraculously produced some new extremely promising drugs. They can’t CURE me, but they can sure tip the scales in my favor…maybe even buy me LOTS more time. I’ll be on these drugs for the long haul, every three weeks by IV infusion. They go after the gene itself, direct to the crime scene. Bada bim, bada boom.
The round of chemo drugs I just finished go everywhere…they invade the whole damned community, killing everything they can in order to sleuth out the bad guys. Well, they got my hair, and they are STILL killing my finger nails, and even the nerves in the bottom of my feet. But in the grand scheme of things? Who cares… it’s just hair. Hair and finger nails will grow back eventually. And, although incredibly annoying …well, all these side effects from nasty chemo are incredibly annoying, even numb feet are no big deal. No, really. I can’t feel my toes or the balls of my feet, but hey; no biggie. They’re just feet. I can wobble around with the best of ’em. There’s shoes for that problem, right? Well, I’ll have to get back to you on that one. But guaranteed, I’ll be back out there whacking golf balls if I have to use walking stilts to get around the course. Mark my words!
The singular word that changed my sense of well being? Nope, it wasn’t CANCER…that nasty six letter word only served to bring out my own stealth ninja instinct to kick cancer’s butt. Cancer will NEVER define me. It tried once before, eleven years ago when I endured multiple surgeries, each one with additional bad news until I finally forfeited body parts. I don’t need that stuff anyhow. It’s just body parts, not major organs. Unneeded body parts? I’ll take my future, thank you.
So, then… you’re probably wondering what IS that singular word that’s become so pivotal to my sense of well being. I just heard it today, actually. It was joyously pronounced by my oncologist. REMISSION. REMISSION. I am IN remission. I am in FULL REMISSION.
As hubby and I were getting back into our car, preparing to head home to Marin County, I had to ask. Did she say I was in remission? Did she use that exact word? Hubby happily confirmed what I already knew she’d said, exactly. She said I was IN REMISSION. She was smiling broadly when she said it and she’s not a smiler, normally. She told me I’d ‘responded to the chemo extremely well.’
Actually, I simply showed up when scheduled, my Portia (to the newbies here, Portia is my chest port…she’s implanted, I HAD to give her a name) did her job channeling those creepy drugs from the IV drip bags directly into my heart and onward throughout the rest of my body. I ‘responded’ the only way I know how to respond…mentally prepared and ready for the fight. Throughout my lifetime, that example has been set for me time and time again. My peeps don’t mess around.
REMISSION. Peculiarly hard to wrap my brain around that word…just like it’s been so hard to wrap my brain around this stinkin’ gene mutation that they tell me I have. I’ll always have it …lurking….and because of that, I will continue to go forward with those new breakthrough drugs, getting them via IV drip every three weeks as planned. Portia and I will be a team for the long haul, or at least the foreseeable future. But today? The shadow of ‘a fight to the death’ has been temporarily lifted. My silver linings are glowing. They’re almost blinding, in fact. Damn. It feels so good.
REMISSION. Now THAT’S a great word. A word to celebrate, to worship, to pray to God for. I hope it stays glued to my medical chart for years to come. Because I want to drive nails into that word, to ensure it NEVER leaves my medical chart.
CANCER, you will never define me. Even if you prove those damned medical statistics out, you will NEVER define who I am. My life, my ‘new normal’ will march onward because I keep my eyes on the horizon, I don’t look down, and I don’t give a crap what you’ve got up your sleeve. I have an ARSENAL stockpiled; I’ve been blessed with a medical team that is truly outstanding, not to mention a host of friends and family who surround me with unending support, nurturing, and unequivocal love. I’ve got a hubby who continues to love me through every single moment, whether it be high or low or tearful or not. He is there with me every step of the way.
And finally, I’ve got the instinct of a ninja SURVIVOR. I’ve been trained by the best of the best….I’m tellin’ ya. Don’t be messing with me. I GOT THIS. And, now…if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a life to get back to.